Why is my life so abnormal?
by BlackestSlytherin
Summary: Do you know what will happen the fellowship falls into 3 L.O.T.R obsessed girls' kitchen? How will they survive in the modern-day world? Chaos will ensure, names will be called and raw caffine will be eaten! Fine out all this and more right here!
1. Chapter 1

_Tap, tap, tap, _Grace tapped her shoe against the edge of the desk, sighing impatiently. _What idiot in the administration office decided to put double maths as the last two periods on a Friday?_ She thought. _Tick, tick, tick,_ the clock hand seemed to be moving especially slow today of all days. She wondered if the clock hated her. _Seems so, _she huffed. Everybody's eyes were glued to the clock, well _almost_ everybody's. Elizabeth, Grace's sister was quite content to read her Kindle under the desk and ignore the teacher's mindless droning about indices. Catherine, Elizabeth and Grace's friend since nursery, was staring out of the window and into the snow dusted courtyard imagining that Lord of the Ring's was real and that she was doing something much more entertaining, say, chopping off an orc head in Middle Earth. The three friends were almost complete opposites of each other, some people were baffled that they even spoke to each other, but they all shared a love of Lord of the Rings.

_Twenty, nineteen, eighteen_ Grace lobbed a scrunched up piece of paper missile at Elizabeth and another at Catherine. _Fifteen, fourteen thirteen_, they looked up at her and she grinned mischievously at them, motioning toward the clock with her head. _Ten, nine, eight, _Grace bounced in her chair thinking excitedly about the L.o.t.R fest they had planned after school. _Seven, six, five, _Elizabeth packed her bag, perching on the edge her chair in that awkward half-sitting, half-standing position. _four, three,_ Catherine sighed daydreaming about all the chocolate she was about to consume. _Tw_o, the classroom was deathly quiet, which was such a rare occurrence that that the teacher looked up with a half-amused, half-annoyed expression as she saw all the children staring at the clock with rapt attention. _One,_ nobody moved, you could have heard a pin drop. _Briiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing_ there was utter silence for a second then a loud cheer erupted from all around the school, which was quickly cut off by a mini stampede towards the door. By the time that they had got in and out of the book locker room unharmed- a minor miracle itself- everyone was rushing out of the student entrance and towards freedom!

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"Make way for the popcorn!" Grace yelled as she burst into the sitting room, complete with overflowing bowl of toffee popcorn.

"Grace, I like my hearing the way it is, thanks," Catherine sighed, appearing from around the corner of the room, arms full of L.o.t.R films (extended edition), games and books.

"Aww, Cat! You're no fun." Elizabeth teased plopping onto the couch with hordes of chocolate

"Someone has to be sensible, Lizzy." Cat replied, helping herself to the popcorn and chocolate.

"Careful Cat, we don't want you to get out of shape" Lizzy laughed as she watched her friend devour a packet of minstrels.

Cat, Lizzy, or Grace were not the sort of teens who could get out shape easily. Cat had curly, medium brown hair the colour of acorn shells that brushed the tips of her shoulders, hazel eyes, average height and a slim figure that was slightly muscled from sport. Grace had straight, long, dark golden blonde hair that fell to the small of her back, big blue eyes and a slender petit figure. Lizzy had wavy, medium chestnut brown hair that grew to just below her collar bone, sparkling green eyes and a tall willowy figure, too tall in her opinion.

"On with the movie!" Grace yelled happily as threw herself into a tub chair.

"She is already hyper." Cat sighed, glancing at her friend who was bouncing excitedly in the tub chair and talking a mile a minute to herself. "Should we restrict her intake of sugar?" she asked Lizzy, who was now setting up the DVD and fiddling with the surround sound.

"Nah, she's funny to watch." Lizzy replied as she fell into the remaining tub chair. "Oi Grace! Shut up! The movie's starting!"

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The three friends watched The Fellowship of the Ring, The Two Towers and were halfway through The Return of the King when suddenly the power went out.

"Great," Cat grumbled "It was getting to the good bit."

"Grace," Lizzy murmured, holding out the popcorn bowl "Could you refill this? There is some more in the microwave."

"Why do I have to be the one to do it?" Grace whined

"Because," Cat said exasperated "We've all been up to get more and you haven't. Also-"

"-We can't be bothered." Interrupted Lizzy

"Ok ok! Refilling popcorn bowl." Grace answered, heaving herself up from the tub chair she was occupying and trudging towards the kitchen, but stopping before her brain was skewered on a spear that was being held by a rather tall and intimidating blonde man, who smelled of horses.

"Cat, would I have to refill the bowl if someone was pointing a large pointy thing on a stick at me?"

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Pandemonium erupted. Chaos ensured. Whatever you want to call it. It happened.

"Who are you and what are you doing in my house?" Cat screeched, brandishing a large, heavy book (the complete compilation of L.o.t.R) and waving it about suggestively, implying that she was not afraid to use it to knock them out or damage other areas of men's anatomy that would be incredibly painful for them. The man with the pointy thing slowly backed away from her then legged to the kitchen until he was far away from her.

"Argggh!" a loud (rather low) voice cried from the direction of the kitchen "I've _**shrunk**_!" The voice strangely sounded like that of Eomer from L.o.t.R

"Me too!" a slightly higher voice announced. This one sounded like Faramir.

"It appears I have as well!" a very high (for a guy) voice cried. This sounded like Legolas, Lizzy noticed and chuckled quietly, earning odd looks from the other two.

"Ok, ok people!" Lizzy said coolly "let's all calm down!" she looked around seeing shadowy figures further down the hallway "and congregate in the kitchen!"

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When everybody was there, the lights finally flickered on. This caused the men to jump and start screeching (in a manly way). When the girls finally caught a glimpse of them in good light, Cat fainted and was swiftly caught by someone who appeared to be Legolas, came to, looked at who was holding her and promptly fainted again.

"I fear for her sanity sometimes" Lizzy muttered

"Soooooooooo," Grace said "who exactly are you lot?"

"We are the Fellowship." A tall, ruggedly handsome (but somewhat grubby) man answered. He looked like Aragon, Grace realised.

Two coughs sounded behind him.

"And assorted individuals."

Cat groaned "Oh boy."

"We're doomed!" Grace agreed.

"And here I was thinking I was going to have a normal Christmas holiday!" Lizzy sighed. "Bugger!"


	2. Chapter 2

_Previously:_

"Soooooooooo," Grace said "who exactly are you lot?"

"We are the Fellowship." A tall, ruggedly handsome (but somewhat grubby) man answered. He looked like Aragon, Grace realised.

Two coughs sounded behind him.

"And assorted individuals."

Cat groaned "Oh boy."

"We're doomed!" Grace agreed.

"And here I was thinking I was going to have a normal Christmas holiday!" Lizzy sighed. "Bugger!"

Chapter 2 - Bath-time fun.

The three friends looked startled at the news that the fellowship was in Cat's house and stared at them. The fellowship looked at them oddly when Grace said she was doomed. The girls stared at them. The fellowship stared back. No one spoke. No one blinked. Deathly silence followed, until Lizzy looked at them closely, and felt the need to break the now slightly awkward hush.

"Hey! If you are the fellowship, then where are Gandalf and Gimli? Why are there two extra Men? Where is Legolas? Why have you got a young elf instead? Who are the two men? Why do they sound like Eomer and Faramir?" Lizzy cried, each question melting into the next. Realisation dawned across her face. "Y-y-you're Faramir and Eomer, aren't you?" she said point a shaking finger at them "A-a-and you're Legolas." She whispered her voice trembling. She looked on the verge of collapsing, so much so that the Eomer-voice-alike rushed forward to steady her.

"Why yes we are, milady." Faramir said, confused at her reaction "Is there something wrong with us being here?" he looked out of the window "Where is here?"

"Arrgh!" What kind of witchcraft is this?" Boromir shouted, gazing out of the window and into a modern day town. He drew his sword and pointed it at Cat.

"Speak, witch, or I will slit her throat!"

"Wooah! Down boy, down boy!" Lizzy said, putting her hands up in a universal gesture for peace, practically hitting Eomer in the face with the back of her hand. He hadn't moved from his position after steadying her from her near-fainting spree. Boromir kept his sword at Cat's throat, who was trembling and turning an alarming shade of paper white.

Grace decided that she out to intervene about now. Putting on her best Denethor voice impersonation (the one that made Cat wet herself she was laughing so hard the first time she heard it) she boomed:

"Boromir what is this nonsense? Put that sword down and step away from that young lady NOW!"

Boromir started so hard at hearing who he thought was his father behind him that he dropped his sword, which Lizzy quickly snatched up and hid in an empty cupboard with a fitted child lock, and spun around only to see the entire fellowship, save Legolas and Aragorn, hysterically laughing. Pippin and Merry were rolling on the floor whilst a young girl with blonde hair smiled innocently up at him. Too innocently he realised, Faramir had tried the same thing on him too many times and he could spot attempts of the same foolery anywhere!

"Where" began Boromir, his eyes darting round the kitchen and its modern-day appliances and landing on the blonde girl once more.

"Is my father?"

"Errrrrrrm, your father isn't here." said Cat as she backed away from Boromir and went and hid behind Legolas, the latter look rather confused as to why he was being as what Lizzy so eloquently called a 'meat shield'.

"What do you mean my father is not here? I heard his voice! What kind of witchcraft is this?" Boromir cried.

"Again with the witchcraft thing." Grace sighed from where she leaned against a black granite counter-top. She turned and looked at the person closest to her.

"Is he always like this?" she asked him.

"Sadly, yes. My brother does seem to have an obsession with witchcraft." He replied.

"So you must be Faramir." Mused Grace "This is really happening, the Fellowship of the ring is really standing in my best friend's kitchen. How strange."

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While Grace was chatting with Faramir, things weren't going so well with his brother, Boromir. It appeared that he could not grasp the facts that:

A) Witchcraft didn't exist.

B) That the world he saw out of the window was real and **not** witchcraft.

C) That Grace had done the Denethor impression without witchcraft.

While Lizzy and Boromir were arguing about the existence of witchcraft, Boromir was incredibly stubborn and refused to accept that it didn't exist, Cat began to show the remaining people from the fellowship, and extra people who had come with them, around.

She had just finished showing them how to work the TV, Wii, DVD player and Blu-ray when an electric fan blew the body odour of the fellowship towards her.

"What is that smell?" She said whilst gagging. "It's like each of you has a dead cat, one that has been dead for a long time, under your shirt and have rolled around in animal dung for an hour each day!"

There wasn't a reply. She looked up to see a blushing fellowship shuffling around and scuffing their boots on the floor.

"Come on" She sighed, she had been sighing a lot in these past few hours. "I'll get you cleaned up."

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When she had finally got the middle-earthians, Lizzy and Grace in one room, Cat assigned each of the three girls a group to clean.

Lizzy had Faramir, Boromir and Aragorn; Cat had Legolas, Pippin and Merry, whilst Grace had Eomer, Sam and Frodo.

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Lizzy P.o.V

I turned away from Grace and Cat and led my group towards the second guest room's bathroom (the second guest room was my room in Cat's part of the house). I wasn't sure if Cat had shown them a modern day bathroom when she did the impromptu mini-tour of her house but my doubts were soon answered when they started shrieking like wild geese at the sight of the shower.

"Oh boy, this is gonna take a while" I muttered under my breath. Farimir (who had only gasped upon seeing a shower for the first time) smiled apologetically at me.

"Want a little help?" He asked.

"Please!" I breathed.

He produced a smaller version of Boromir's horn and mimed putting his fingers in his ears. I got the message and firmly plugged my ears; Faramir put the horn to his lips and blew. Wow. For such a small thing it sure can make a lot of noise, I almost felt sorry for Boromir, who was the closest to us. _Almost._ He deserved it after the witchcraft thing.

Once there was silence from Boromir, who was lecturing Faramir about the correct use of his horn, I began to explain the use of the shower.

"This" I said, motioning toward the shower "is a shower. It is basically a bath where you stand up but it is much quicker than an actual bath. I will start the water and then you can take turns using that shampoo and shower gel" I explained pointing to the shower gel and shampoo with my back towards the group. "Is that all clea-"I had just turned to face the three middle earthians and was greeted with the sight of them all buck-naked. _Inner peace, Lizzy, inner peace._

When Faramir, Boromir and Aragorn had all finished showering and were squeaky clean and smelling of seasalt and lemongrass and were clothed in dressing gowns I went downstairs and met Grace. It turned out that the shower-fiasco had gone the same way for her minus the wild geese rendition.

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Cat P.o.V

I had just finished hearing about Lizzy and Graces' shower-fiascos (mine had been similar except Legolas didn't strip in front of me) when I realised that we had nothing for them to wear. Being an only child, I didn't have any men's clothes around the house.

"Lizzy, I need a favour in the form of theft and fashion advice for men."


	3. Chapter 3

_Previously:_

I had just finished hearing about Lizzy and Graces' shower-fiascos (mine had been similar except Legolas didn't strip in front of me) when I realised that we had nothing for them to wear. Being an only child, I didn't have any men's clothes around the house.

"Lizzy, I need a favour in the form of theft and fashion advice for men."

Chapter 3 – The Oracle

**Cat's POV**

"Sure, sure." Replied Lizzy, her eyes not moving from the magazine she was reading.

"Did you even hear me?" I asked irritably.

"Mmmhmm..." mumbled Lizzy, turning a page. "Ooh, Eomer, come have a look at this!"

"Now is not the time to be looking at..." I peered over Lizzy's shoulder at the article. "_That_!" I glanced up at the Fellowship who were giving me some rather odd looks. "Forget about it." I told them. "Back to the point, Lizzy," I said, snatching the magazine out of her hands. "They can't go round in hotel dressing gowns forever! THEY NEED SOME CLOTHES!" I yelled the last part. I saw the hobbits out of the corner of my eye slowly backing away with terrified faces.

"There, there." Grace comforted them. "I won't let her hurt you."

"Ok, chaps, let's get in the car." Lizzy sang.

"What car?" Grace asked slowly, as if talking to someone with mental problems.

"That is where I need some help from my good friend, Lizzy." I explained

"Lizzy has a Juvie record!" Piped up Grace helpfully.

"I'm not sure they have Juvie where they come from, Grace." I sighed. "Can you help me or not Lizzy?"

"Sure I can! Do you doubt my natural talents?"

"I'm not sure shoplifting is a talent." Grace muttered.

"Shoplifting? No, don't call it that!" Lizzy exclaimed

"Stealing, then."

"No, not stealing! Stealing is such a harsh word! No, it is more like borrowing! Yes! Borrowing, but without the intention of returning it!"

"What's shoplifting?" Pippin asked innocently. The Fellowship (and assorted individuals) nodded.

"It's not something you need to know." I said quickly.

"Yes it is! It is an essential part of a healthy person's lifestyle." Lizzy grinned.

"No it's not! It really is- Wait. You have a Juvie record?" I asked incredulously, just realising what Grace had said.

"'Course I do. Even the best make mistakes."

"And the mistake here is getting caught?"

"Well, duh!" Lizzy said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Well, this conversation is enthralling, but we really need to get these lovely men some clothes." Interrupted Grace dryly.

"I wouldn't call them men." Said Lizzy, cocking her head to the side. "They're more like... boys."

"We are _not_ boys." Said Eomer.

"Dude, you got de-aged. You _are_ a boy. In fact, you three are the most boyish of the lot!" She said, motioning towards him, Faramir and Legolas. They all looked positively offended.

"Are we going to get any clothes this year?" I complained.

"I'm getting old here." Interjected Grace.

"Ok, ok! Grand theft auto, here we come!"

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**Grace's POV**

"How exactly are we going to do this?" I asked uneasily.

"Well. Did you notice it's the Christmas hols?"

"Yes..."

"People go on holiday in the Christmas hols."

"Yes..."

"Most people take taxis to the airport."

"Yes..."

"Leaving their cars behind in their drives."

"Oh..."

"Grace! We're going to hotwire next-door's minivan!" Cat said exasperatedly.

"I knew that!" I said. "Brilliant plan!"

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"This is not, I repeat, _not_ a brilliant plan."

"Just because you don't enjoy stealing a minibus does not make it a bad plan." Lizzy said, offended.

"I'm doing the runt work!" I whined.

"Get over it." Lizzy grumbled, eyes glued to the computer in her lap as furiously typed away.

"But…."

"Shut up. I'm busy."

"Doing what? Going on Moshi Monsters?"

"No. I'm trying to break down the firewalls to hack into the main stream system, to override the computer base, TO OPEN THE BLOODY ELECTRIC GATE!"

"Sorry!" The men, no, _boys_ stepped back warily. "And opening the electric gate achieves what exactly?" I asked stupidly. Lizzy turned around slowly to face me.

"Do you feel like climbing over the electric gate, where you will probably get electrocuted, or, if managing to get around the inevitable electrocution, getting skewered by one of those incredibly sharp spikes? Then, once you've got over the gate, and I have hotwired the minibus, do you feel like driving through the gates, or lifting the damn car over them?" She asked me, her voice deadly calm. I shook my head. "A verbal answer, please?"

"No, miss."

"Good. Now shut up before I shut you up. Permanently." I cowered beneath her glare.

"You have just had the imponderable joy of watching Scary Lizzy. Join us next week for Scary Lizzy meets Phone Operator: The Battle." Cat said to the Fellowship.

"You have nerves of mithril to stand up to her." Said Aragorn to Cat.

"Eh? Mithril?" I pondered.

"Steel. Nerves of steel, dear." Cat translated.

"Done it!" Lizzy yelled. Seconds later, the gates swung open.

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"Everyone in!" Shouted Lizzy. "I've done it! Again!"

"Done what?" Legolas asked.

"Hotwired the car." Lizzy said slowly.

"Hotwired?"

"You know, when you start the car without the key in the ignition?" Legolas continued to stare at her blankly. "Forget it." She sighed. Everyone clambered into the minibus.

"Ok, people, seating arrangements!" Yelled Cat. "Lizzy, you're driving. Eomer, you're sitting next to her in the passenger's seat. Pippin, Aragorn and Merry! IN THAT ORDER! You're in the three seater behind them. Faramir! Legolas! Two seater behind them. Frodo, Boromir and Sam. KEEP IN THAT ORDER! Three seater at the back."

"So, where are we sitting?" I asked, motioning towards myself and Cat.

"Oh. I didn't think of that."

"I guess we'll have to sit in the footwells in front of Legolas and Faramir, then." I nodded and we squashed ourselves in, closing the door behind us.

"Are you sure this is allowed?" Legolas asked, motioning towards us as we tried to find a comfortable position in the cramped footwells.

"And safe?" Piped up Faramir.

"No, and no." I replied.

"Well, in that case..." Legolas said. He picked up Cat and deposited her on his lap. Seeing this, Faramir did the same to me. Cat went bright red and started giggling madly.

"She really does have mental problems." I observed from Faramir's lap, who was holding me closer than needed.

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"Come on guys, let's go or the shop's going to close before we're done!" Cat yelled at us. We scrambled into the lift, the boys looking around in wonder. Once we reached the bottom and the doors had opened Boromir started to speak.

"Tis -"He was cut off by Lizzy.

"It is not witchcraft."

"I was going to say 'tis like a giant indoor market!"

"Well done, Einstein, it _is_ a giant indoor market! Sort of."

"What's a Einstein?"

"Einstein was a 'who', not a 'what' last time I checked, and… never mind." Lizzy sighed.

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"Where to first?" Lizzy questioned, pulling a bewildered Hobbit along by the hand.

"We will go to Topman first to get them" she waved a hand towards the fellowship "three pairs of jeans each. Then we will go to House of Fraser for winter stuff: hats, scarves, coats, Footlocker for shoes, JD Sport for sportswear, Boots for hair products- for us and for the fellowship, let's see if Legolas is _actually _obsessed with hair care-and makeup, Lush for bath products and skincare, Smiths for art supplies- Grace has a school project that requires Glitter, glue and paint- HMV for iPods and Hollister for the main clothing items."

She looked up to see eleven pairs of eyes look at her in astonishment.

"I planned ahead! Problem?"

**Cat's POV**

We had just finished shopping in Hollister, laden down with many, many bags. The boys were dressed in their new clothes, earning many looks from females. As we stepped out, Lizzy exclaimed

"Get back in! Get back in!" and turned to push us back in, but it was too late. We had been spotted.

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"Oh. My. God. It's Orlando Bloom!" Said an obviously fake blonde who was wearing incredibly tight and ridiculously revealing dress. "I am, like, your biggest fan." She said whilst advancing towards Legolas, who backed up and hid behind me.

"Help me!" He pleaded. "I will do anything! Just save me!" He whimpered as he gripped my shoulders, trying to become invisible. The Mary Sue was now face to face to me.

"Step away from my future husband." She threatened. Legolas trembled.

"He wouldn't marry a wench like you for all the mithril in Moria." Boromir thundered.

"Say what, beardy?" The Mary Sue, now named Arianna, queried.

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?" Boromir boomed.

While Boromir and Arianna had a shouting match, Lizzy took the hobbits, Faramir, Eomer and Aragorn and ran.

"Where are you going?" Grace whisper-yelled.

"Meet you at Waterstones!" Lizzy mouthed. She saluted us and ran off. Grace had an idea. You could literally see a light-bulb flashing over her head.

"Light bulb!" She murmured. She tiptoed over to me and started whispering in my ear. "You make sure that Boromir and the M.S keep on arguing, whilst I take Legolas to Waterstones where the others are. Hopefully the M.S won't notice."

"What about me?"

"Well someone has to lead Boromir to Waterstones." Legolas, with his super-elven hearing, had overheard the whole conversation.

"I'm staying here!" He protested.

"Do you really want to?" Grace asked, smirking.

"Umm... no but Cat can take me."

"Cat's always been the peacemaker, plus I'm the faster runner."

"Fine." Legolas relented. "I'll come with you, but-"

"There's a but?" Grace groaned.

"There's always a but." Legolas stropped. "You have to let me choose where I'm sleeping."

"I suppose you want the one with the en-suite." Sighed Grace.

"What's an en-suite?"

"A bedroom with its own bathroom."

"Yep!" Legolas let go of me and pranced off with Grace. Not in a feminine way, though, he somehow managed to do it in a manly way.

"I may have a beard, but that does not make my name Beardy!"

"Yes it does."

"Hemhem." I coughed, trying to get their attention. It worked.

"What!" Yelled the M.S.

"The rest of our company seems to have upped sticks and left. Come on Bear- Boromir." Boromir obediently followed me. We could still hear the M.S's cries of:

"Why, Orlando? Why? Why have you left me? I would have loved you forever!" fading into the distance.

"She is nuttier than squirrel poo." Boromir looked at me like I was insane. I probably was.

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**Lizzy's POV**

"Come on Lizzy, we have to go." Cat told me.

"NO!" I cried, hanging on to a bookshelf. I was receiving some rather odd looks. "What?" I asked them. "Just five more minutes!"

"You said that half an hour ago!"

"Wow! Time flies when you're having fun!"

"Time was grounded at the airport for us."

"Sorry! It's not my fault you're illiterate."

"Boys!" Grace called. "Seize her!"

"Wh-What? What are you doing?" I asked, panicking. Boromir wrapped one arm under my armpits and the other under my knees and picked me up, carrying me bridal-style.

"This is _not_ funny." I pouted, folding my arms across my chest and preparing to go into full-blown sulk mode.

"Do not scowl, child. It is unbecoming." Boromir scolded.

"Shut up." I muttered.

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We were just getting towards the double doors, when Boromir _eventually_ put me down (after parading around the mall, carrying me). I quickly scooted away from him, in case he tried it again. I jogged up towards the front of the group, where Grace was standing. Cat was elsewhere *cough* with Legolas *cough* and I was bored. We were finally standing outside in the car park when I spotted some gypsies.

"Let's go and say hello!" exclaimed Grace, ever the innocent one.

"Ok then!" I wasn't going to be bored any more. Bring on the fun. We cautiously walked over, not noticing the hobbits following us.

"Vould you like some cocaine?" One of the gypsies asked as we neared them I burst out laughing, earning a dirty look from another gypsy

"Errrrrr... no thanks!" Grace stuttered, backing away slightly. I continued to laugh silently, laughing even harder at the look on her face.

"Vould you like some heroin?"

"No..."

"Vould you like some tobacco?"

"NO!" Grace yelled.

"Vould you like some weed?" The gypsy asked, looking a little impatient.

"No."

"Then vhy are you here?"

"I'm not entirely sure..." Grace said, slowly backing away.

"Is that longbottom leaf?" Merry piped up from where he was hiding behind a car.

"No it's not! It's none of your business anyway!" Grace shrieked, dragging the hobbits away, leaving me standing there.

"Well, it's been lovely meeting you. I'm off!" I gave a cheery wave and walked after them.

"Why where you over there talking to those gypsies?" asked Cat. "We've been waiting for you."

"Ummmm..." I stuttered.

"Were you trying to add to your Juvie record?"

"Maaaaybeeeeeeee..." I grinned sheepishly.

"Come on, let's go. It's getting cold."

"It's the Christmas holidays." I deadpanned.

"Exactly!"

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When we eventually got home, everyone was hungry. And I mean hungry. The hobbits looked ready to resort to cannibalism, having missed out on second breakfast, elevenses, mid-morning snack and lunch. Cat dragged me into the kitchen.

"What are we going to feed them?" She asked, sounding slightly hysterical.

"Pizza!"

"Oh. Sounds surprisingly simple."

"If only it is."

"Huh?"

"Don't worry. I've got this under control."

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"You really haven't got this under control."

"I. Know. That. Oh, and we're going to have to find a new pizza place."

"Why?"

"Well, we bought 20 pizzas, Cat."

"Sooo?"

"In the same order."

"Oh?"

"I may have also insulted the phone-cashier dude."

We strolled back into the living room, where the hobbits had cornered Legolas somehow and were grinning maniacally. Since Legolas was an elf, it must have taken skill to get him in the corner. Either that, or Legolas was just as hungry as the hobbits. But I doubted that.

"Do something! They're going to eat him!" Cat screamed when she saw the scene.

"And we wouldn't want that." I said sarcastically "Carry on, boys!"

"No!" Cat screamed.

"We are not boys!" The hobbits replied automatically, turning round to glare at me. Legolas took this as a cue to run for it.

"You lost us our meal." Pippin stropped, folding his arms and pouting.

"Don't worry, we've ordered pizza." I reassured him.

"What's pizza?"

"Food."

"Ok!" The doorbell went.

"Now try not to eat anyone until we get back." Everyone nodded and flopped down on the sofas. We had just walked through the door when I realised that we couldn't carry all the pizzas on our own. I popped my head back through the door. "Boromir, Aragorn, could you come with us?" They stood up and joined us. Together, and by that I mean all five of us, we managed to carry all the pizzas back into the living room.

"Death threat of the day." Cat announced. "If any of you get tomato sauce on _my_ sofas, I will personally decapitate you with a spoon."

"Why... why a spoon, Cat? Why not a sword, or an axe?" asked Eomer.

"Because it will hurt more." Cat replied menacingly, glaring at the nine boys. They all cringed back in terror. "Do I make myself crystal-clear?" There was an affirmative yes from everyone.

We had just tucked into the pizzas, when I thought of something.

"There's something missing..." I murmured.

"What do you mean by there's something missing?" Grace asked.

"We have the pizza, we're sprawled on the floor, there are a lot of people here - admittedly they are boys – but we're missing a key element."

"We could watch a film?" Cat pondered.

"I want an action movie!" I exclaimed. "One with lots of blood!" There was a murmur of agreement from Aragorn, Boromir, Faramir and Eomer.

"Not while we're eating." Grace complained, while looking at the tomato sauce on her pizza. "Why don't we have a romance instead?"

"Not a mushy romance!" I groaned.

"Yes, a mushy romance." Grace growled, looking incredibly scary, despite her size.

"Ok ok! A mushy romance it is." Cat said, forever the peace maker.

"I pick, I pick!" Grace chirped, bounding up towards Cat's vast collection of movies. "Hmm, what to choose, what to choose..." Grace muttered, dragging her fingers along the spines of the DVD cases. "Not something recent. I don't like those. Something old school, but not too ancient. 1990s or thereabouts. Ooh, I know! How about 'While you were sleeping'? It's perfect!"

"God, not this film again!" I cried. "Save me!"

((*))((*))((*))((*))((*))((*))((*))((*))

When we had finished watching the film we had watched at least 10 times a day, not by choice, but by Grace, I looked over at the boys. They had been unusually quiet during the movie. All of them, including Legolas, were sprawled on the sofas, fast asleep.

"Well, this stops him from getting the en-suite. Bagsie mine!" Grace yelled. The boys didn't even stir.

"Well, if the boys can stay asleep during Grace's shouting, nothing is going to wake them up. We'll just have to leave them here. Shame, really." I concluded, standing up and stretching. "I'm off to bed. Night!" I walked out the door. I could hear Cat protesting, but I really didn't care. My pillow called to me.

((*))((*))((*))((*))((*))((*))((*))((*))

**Third person's POV**

At 5:00 in the morning (which was the time that the Fellowship usually got up to travel) the boys woke up. They looked around for the girls but couldn't find them anywhere. They decided not to venture too far into the house, lest they got lost. They knew that the girls were in their bedrooms, so they knew that they were alright, but they were hungry again. Aragorn, taking up his natural leadership type role, decided to forage around in the kitchen, when or if they found it. This was going to be a problem. So far, Pippin and Merry had got trapped in a cupboard under the stairs. They were going to have to wait until one of the girls came downstairs because they couldn't work the lock. _Oh well,_ Aragorn thought, _two less mouths to feed._ They continued to journey towards what was hopefully the direction of the kitchen. On the way, Legolas got locked in one of the many downstairs bathrooms and they really couldn't be bothered to help him. They were _very_ hungry.

Eventually, and I mean _eventually_, Aragorn stumbled across the kitchen. He was at a loss. He didn't know how to work any of the modern day equipment, or hardly recognised any of the food. It was mostly in packaging.

While Boromir, Faramir, Eomer, Frodo and Sam scouted out the kitchen, Aragorn looked at various jars on the counter top. As he picked up a jar of coffee Aragorn had noticed something. He had seen Lizzy make herself a drink using the contents of this jar and it hadn't killed her! Forgetting the fact that she had not eaten the granules raw, he grabbed handful after handful and ate the coffee undiluted. Aragorn had eaten 13 handfuls of the granules before the Fellowship noticed. Boromir, seeing the effect that the raw coffee was having on the beloved leader, decided to step in. He took the jar of coffee from Aragorn and threw it in the nearest bin.

"Noooooooo!" howled Aragorn as he prepared to dive into the bin. But Boromir and Faramir were too quick for him and they grasped an arm each and hauled Aragorn over to a chair, which they shoved him on to. Eomer tried to find some rope to tie Aragorn up with, but came back empty handed them he spotted something, well, some_things_, in the corner of the kitchen. _Well, _he thought, _I guess I'll have to use this. _All the while, Frodo and Sam hid under the table with a box of cereal each, shaking with fear.

"Surely the girls would have heard that!" Eomer cried, after Aragorn let loose a particularly loud war cry.

"You know nothing of the sleeping habits of teenage girls." Frodo piped up from under the table.

"And you would be more informed because...?" Faramir questioned

"You forget that I have many, many cousins. Some of them happen to be girls."

((*))((*))((*))((*))((*))((*))((*))((*))

Luckily, for the boys, Lizzy and Cat had heard Aragorn and decided to investigate. They left Grace sleeping, it was impossible to wake her up before 8:00 in the weekends unless you happened to have death wish. When they finally entered the kitchen, after freeing various people from various cupboards and small rooms, they were greeted with and interesting sight. Aragorn was tied to a kitchen chair with 5 pairs of Grace's school tights and was screaming, well yelling, bloody murder. All eyes turned to them.

"What did he eat?" yelped Cat, sounding slightly hysterical

"Coffee, from the looks of things." Lizzy said, holding up the half empty jar of coffee "Wait! This is _my_ coffee!"

"Coffee is replaceable, Aragorn isn't!"

"How would eating half a jar of coffee kill you? Ok, you're going to have a massive caffeine high," she motioned towards Aragorn who was twitching intermittently and muttering incomprehensibly to himself "but surely that wouldn't kill you?"

"Actually," piped up Grace, who had just woken up and had followed them into the kitchen, "I read somewhere that if you drink 100 cups of coffee, your heart combusts from beating so hard, or something like that." Upon seeing Cat horrified look she added quietly "I guess that wasn't very helpful. I'm gonna sit in this corner and stop talking."

While Grace went and sat in the corner, Lizzy marched up to Aragorn and fixed him an angry look

"This means war, boy! And I will win!"

((*))((*))((*))((*))((*))((*))((*))((*))

After the girls left Aragorn in the kitchen, he was still tied up and wasn't going anywhere; they led the exhausted group of middle-earthians to the dining room. They had just finished fixing them breakfast when they heard a loud bang come from the garden. They ran outside to an odd sight. Aragorn was sitting in the middle of what used to be Cat's trampoline but was now a pile of rubble.

"What are you doing?" Cat asked in shock. She wasn't that bothered about the fact that Aragorn had single-handedly destroyed her trampoline, she wasn't that attached to it.

"It's not bouncy anymore!" Aragorn wailed

Lizzy looked to the heavens muttering

"Why is my life so abnormal?"


	4. Chapter 4

_Previously:_

After the girls left Aragorn in the kitchen, he was still tied up and wasn't going anywhere; they led the exhausted group of middle-earthians to the dining room. They had just finished fixing them breakfast when they heard a loud bang come from the garden. They ran outside to an odd sight. Aragorn was sitting in the middle of what used to be Cat's trampoline but was now a pile of rubble.

"What are you doing?" Cat asked in shock. She wasn't that bothered about the fact that Aragorn had single-handedly destroyed her trampoline, she wasn't that attached to it.

"It's not bouncy anymore!" Aragorn wailed.

Lizzy looked to the heavens muttering:

"Why is my life so abnormal?"

Chapter 4 - Pool amongst other things

**Grace's POV**

It was about six o'clock in the morning when I woke up. It might sound quite early to you, but I'm an early riser during the weekdays. I just can't lounge about in bed. So, I trooped downstairs pulling on my dressing gown as I went. I wasn't really expecting an empty kitchen. When I read the Lord of the Rings books, it seemed like they got up really early. So when I found Legolas, Boromir and Aragorn sitting round the table, I wasn't surprised in the slightest.

"Hello boys." I said cheerfully.

"We're not boys, little one. In fact, we are older than you by many winters." Aragorn told me.

"You are still boys."

"No we're not." Boromir said.

"Yes you are."

"No we're not."

"Yes you are."

"Please stop fighting!" Legolas cried. "Must you start the day with an argument?"

"Yes." Boromir and I said in unison, then immediately glared at each other.

"Fine then, Legless. I shall not argue with _him_."

"Thank you." Legolas sighed, looking relieved.

"I shall argue with you."

"Wait. What did you call me?"

"I called you Legless, Legless."

"My name is not Legless."

"Yes it is Legless. Why would your name not be Legless, Legless?"

"Stop calling me that!"

We continued to argue like this until my darling sister came down the stairs and I went off to get changed for swimming.

**Lizzy's POV**

As I got ready to go swimming, I heard an indignant pixie shriek 'stop calling me that!' Was it a pixie? I poked my head round the door of my bedroom, investigating. No it wasn't a pixie, sadly, just Legolas getting himself worked up into a tizzy, with help from my darling sister, who was looking more and more satisfied the higher a certain elf's voice got. _This could be fun_ I thought.

"Stop calling who what?! I asked as I sauntered into the living room, pulling a sundress over my head. Grace scampered back into the room wearing her swimming gear.

"She. Is. Calling. Me. Legless!" Legolas ground out from between gritted teeth, pointing an accusing finger at Grace.

"Legless. Gracie dear, I thought I taught you better than that."

"Thank you." Legolas said, looking extremely pleased.

"It's not original in the slightest!"

"_What?_" Legolas asked, now looking confused.

"I mean come on! Legless is a factually incorrect nickname! If anything, he has too much leg." I leant in to whisper in Grace's ear. "Not that Cat minds." We sniggered.

Speaking of the devil, we heard footsteps coming down the stairs. Cat appeared, also dressed in a sundress, looking rather harried. She was being flanked by two very hungry hobbits, pleading for food. Cat immediately disappeared into the kitchen to prepare breakfast for everyone.

"We need something more... relevant. Like... Blondie."

"What?" Legolas asked again, looking horrified.

"Blondie? Blondie. Yeah, 'cause that's sooo original."

"Fine then." I looked at Legolas. "You're royal, right?"

"Yes... I'm prince of Mirkwood. Why?" Legolas said, not liking the glint in my eye.

"Then I shall call you..." I paused for dramatic effect. "... His Blondliness."

"I refuse to be called that."

"But it's true!" I protested. "You're blond... aren't you?"

"Yes..."

"OMG! Leg dyed his hair!"

"What!?"

"Well. You're from Mirkwood, where it's really dark. So wouldn't your hair be black or brown?"

"Well..."

"Hmmmm..." I said as I looked around trying to find another way of antagonizing this easily antagonized elf.

"I've got it! You're so scared in my very presence that your hair turns white!"

There was a deafening silence.

Grace, who up until then had been staring out of the window, leaned in murmured into my ear:

"You do realise that you just insulted the entire generations of Thraudillion's?"

"Really?" I said. "I did? Oh well."

Legolas was spluttering mad. "W-W-Wha...!"

Cat walked into the room, balancing plates of food on her arms, saw Legolas' expression, and cast a reproving look at Grace and me.

"What have you done now?"

Legolas opened his mouth, probably to tattle-tale on us, but I trod on his foot and whispered under my breath:

"If you say anything, I shall call you Leggy Bear for all of eternity." Legolas snapped his mouth shut but murmured a "nothing" under his breath in reply to Cat.

"Well..." Cat said, still looking at us suspiciously. "Breakfast is ready."

After breakfast, Cat asked if everyone wanted to go swimming. Not many people did. Only I, Cat, Grace, Legolas, Eomer and Faramir came. The rest of them decided to camp out in the basement and play video games. We had shown them how to operate the Wii and Playstation when they first appeared in our kitchen.

Once everyone had got changed for swimming, the merry band of people trudged out to the pool. It was quite a nice pool, actually. It was situated in one of the out-houses dotted around Cat's enormous house. That meant that the pool was heated during the winter, so we could go swimming whenever we wanted. But not everyone was happy.

**Third person's POV**

"I'm bored." Grace complained.

"Hmm." Said Lizzy, in a contemplative manner. "Cat, can you go and check the water temperature?"

"Sure, sure." Said Cat, as she crouched down and stuck her hand in the pool.

"Meh." Lizzy said, whilst she shoved Cat into the pool, head first. "There's your entertainment Grace. Enjoy it while it lasts."  
Meanwhile Cat had emerged from the pool, spluttering mad.

"Meh." Lizzy said for the second time, as she shoved Legolas in the pool. He fell awkwardly, landing spread-eagled on top of Cat, who was unfortunately doing a starfish float at that time.

"Man that's awkward." Grace said with a chuckled as she watched the two drenched people slowly turn beetroot red when they realised the position they were in.

"I'm going to kill you Lizzy!" Cat yelled, trying to mask her embarrassment with fake outrage as she clung to Legolas.

"That's my cue to leave." Lizzy said. "Bye-bye, Spidermonkey."

"I HATE TWILIGHT!"

"No you don't. You really luurvee Edward Cullen." Grace wolf whistled.

"Oooooh."

Eventually everyone got into the pool. After much arguing, water fights, the eventual removal of a now sopping wet sun dress, much ogling from Cat at Legolas' bare chest, later saw the six people trooping back to the house, covered in towels and dripping wet to find a now trashed basement, covered in sweet wrappers that we'd left when the Fellowship had somehow appeared in their kitchen.

"Oh god." Lizzy groaned under her breath. "They must have eaten _all_ of the sweets. That's a lot. We've already had to deal with Aragorn on a caffeine high, now we have to deal with _four_ sugar high hobbits. Joy."

"What. Have. You. DONE?" Screeched Cat.


	5. Chapter 5

_Previously:_

_Eventually everyone got into the pool. After much arguing, water fights, the eventual removal of a now sopping wet sun dress, much ogling from Cat at Legolas' bare chest, later saw the six people trooping back to the house, covered in towels and dripping wet to find a now trashed basement, covered in sweet wrappers that we'd left when the Fellowship had somehow appeared in their kitchen._

_"Oh god." Lizzy groaned under her breath. "They must have eaten all of the sweets. That's a lot. We've already had to deal with Aragorn on a caffeine-high, now we have to deal with four sugar high hobbits. Joy."_

_"What. Have. You. DONE?" Screeched Cat._

_Chap 5: How Not To Look After People On Caffeine And Sugar High's _

"NO, PIPPIN! PUT THAT DOWN! IT'S EXPENSIVE!" cried Grace as she pried an ornate glass vase out of Pippins sticky hands and placed in on the coffee table.

"MERRY, _DO NOT_ EVEN THINK OF EATING THAT!" shouted Cat as she rushed over to Merry and grabbed the box of washing machine powder that he was just about to empty into his mouth, returning it to the cupboard it belonged in.

"FRODO, GET DOWN FROM THERE _NOW_!" yelped Lizzy when she had spied the hobbit perched on top of one of Cat's massive mahogany bookcases that had begun to teeter worryingly.

"SAM! DON'T DRINK FROM THERE! EWWW!" all the girls shouted when they had spied the hobbit bend over the toilet bowl.

Before the four hobbits could do any more damage in Cat's massive house they each grabbed a hobbit by the arm (in Lizzy's case, two) and shoved them into one of the house's many guest bedrooms they had just been preparing. The girls slammed the door shut and leant against the large door and sighed before returning to sitting room and plopping onto the couches, where the rest of the fellowship had assembled. They didn't notice Aragorn's hand snaking out to touch the vase that Grace had just saved from Pippin before it was too late.

"ARAGORN, BE CAREFUL, ITS-" _**CRASH **_"Fragile"

Before Cat could kill Aragorn for breaking what probably was a priceless vase, Lizzy grabbed him by the collar and stuffed him into a large cupboard-wardrobe-thingy.

"The war has just begun, boy!" Lizzy laughed manically, locked the cupboard and then walked off as if nothing had happened, and tossed herself onto the nearest available couch, ignoring the odd looks she was garnering from the rest of the fellowship.

"What are we going to do?" asked Grace, leaning forward to rest her elbows on her knees.

"What are we going to do about what?" Lizzy said offhandedly "We have four Hobbits locked in one of the guest bedroom's that are all on massive sugar highs and a Dunedain on a caffeine high that is currently stuffed in a wardrobe, and, to top it all off, we have no idea how to get them and the rest of the fellowship back to where they came from." Lizzy shrugged and got up to make herself a mug of coffee.

"Errrr….. All three I guess" Grace stuttered.

"Well." Cat said reasonably "I have written up a list of ideas, but just to make sure that I haven't missed anything, I want you," She informed Grace "To go to some fan fiction websites and see what people have put in their stories. Lizzy," Cat raised her voice so that said teenager would be able to hear her from the kitchen "I want you to write down everything that happened the night they appeared. Go onto the internet; see what happened weather-wise, if there were any power surges or power cuts, that sort of thing. We will meet up again in half an hour and confer."

"Cat," said a small voice. She looked up and saw Eomer standing behind her "What should we," he gestured to himself, Faramir, Boromir and Legolas "Do? You know, to be helpful."

"Boromir could never be helpful." Lizzy muttered from the kitchen.

Cat glared in Lizzy's direction. "You could each write down a report of what happened to you personally. What the weather was like, if anything strange happened, that sort of thing. Is that ok?"

They all said yes and Cat walked away to brainstorm some more ideas.

((*))((*))((*))((*))((*))((*))((*))((*))

Thump. The wardrobe shook.

"What was that?" Grace asked hesitantly.

"I do believe that was Aragorn, my lady." Said Faramir, looking from his report to smile at the girl.

"Oh." Grace went back to searching fan fiction websites. There was silence as everyone concentrated on the task at hand.

Thump _thump_. The wardrobe shook harder.

"Lizzy. When you stuffed our beloved ranger into my priceless antique wardrobe, did you, per chance, think to remove his weapons from his person?"

"Well... funny you should mention that. But -"

Thump _thump_ THUMP. The wardrobe was ready to fall over.

"Cat..." Grace said uneasily. "Are you sure that will hold him?"

"Course it will. It has three iron locks and is made from solid oak. There is no way Aragorn would be able to get -"

CRASH. The wardrobe doors burst open and Aragorn tumbled out onto the floor.

"Out. I stand corrected."

Lizzy promptly jumped on Aragorn's back and started trying to strangle him, in an attempt to get him back into the wardrobe and also as payback for eating all her coffee. Aragorn easily stood up, with Lizzy still clinging to his neck in an odd piggy-back way. Aragorn, not best pleased with having a child trying to choke him, merely grabbed the offending arms, and threw her across the room, where she splatted onto Eomer.

"Ouch." Yelped Eomer. "You're heavy."

"You're bony." Replied Lizzy as she twisted herself around on his lap, trying to get comfortable.

"Excuse me. Are you just going to sit there?" Eomer asked.

"Yep." Chirped Lizzy.

There came an annoying chuckle from across the room.

"Weak woman." Boromir snickered. Aragorn started laughing manically, so much so that he fell over again, this time on his back, and lay there, still laughing. Cat and Grace exchanged a look of long suffering and went back to their work.

Lizzy got up, walked over to where Boromir was sitting, crouched down in front of him, and bitch-slapped him. Hard. No one looked up.

"Ow!" Boromir complained, obviously trying to get attention. Still, nobody looked up. "Right." He said, standing up. "I've had enough of you, you little -" Lizzy sighed. She too, had had enough. Straightening up, she cocked her head to the side.

"Did that hurt?" She asked sweetly.

"...Yes."

Lizzy paused, debating her next move. Quick as lightning, her knee shot up, and landed a painful blow to his crotch.

"Aaaargh!" Boromir yelled as he joined Aragorn on the floor, curling up in the fetal position, still groaning. All the males in the room winced in sympathy. All except for Aragorn, who was giggling like a three-year-old.

"Grace, did you do as I asked?" Lizzy inquired.

"Yes, sister dear, I have filmed everything."

"Fabulous. Save it and we will show it to Arwen when we get to Middle Earth."

Aragorn shot up.

"What?" Lizzy ignored him.

"Cat, how's the brainstorming going?"

"Well. I have quite a list of ideas..." Everyone tuned out.

"... and that, is how we get them back to Middle Earth."

"Great. When do we start?"

"Now."


End file.
